Communication: are you a lover or a fighter?

Posted by on Jan 13, 2013 in Communication and relationships | 4 comments

Ambiguity is inherent in interaction. Wrought with imperfection and inconsistency human communication is a minefield for potential conflict.  Past experiences and emotions influence perceptions of ambiguity and inconsistencies within interaction.  Past experiences become lenses we look through influencing how we see the present interaction. We project past experiences, therefore our reactions, onto current situations not often aware we are doing so. If our past experiences were full of conflict we will find conflict in our present interactions. The conflict influences us to identify roles we have played in prior interactions projecting them upon the current interaction. For example, we may try to “win” in an interaction instead of cooperate, as someone had to win in the past. This would mean you are coming from the “fighter” perspective as you may have learned you need to protect yourself in interactions.

On the other hand, you may have past experiences where cooperation was the common theme in interactions. As your past experiences guide how you perceive (the lenses we look through) current situations you may look for ways to cooperate within interactions when ambiguity and inconsistency is present. You are then more likely to cooperate and resolve the conflict as a team.

If you are working toward making communication and relationships better in your life, it is important to know what you are bringing to the table. That is, to know what perspective you are coming from. It is possible for us to want ,on one hand cooperation in our relationships, and simultaneously be coming from a learned perspective of conflict. In this example we may be often confused why we do not get the cooperation we seek.


  1. Mr. John Gray, you, you are absolutely amazing! I have spent the majority of my life trying to figure myself out, beating myself up, wondering why I was the way I was, and why I did the things I did. Not once did I come close to making any sort of connection. Until that 1st day I walked into your group session. I have learned so much from you and want to thank you for helping me understand, make connections and especially for giving me the tools I so dearly need in my life. I feel very fortunate that I met you and want to thank you for being patient with me and especially for helping me see through a different set of lenses. Thank you for guiding me, helping me, and showing me who I am and what I am capable of doing.

    “There are moments when troubles enter our lives and we can do nothing to avoid them.
    But they are there for a reason. Only when we have overcome them will we understand why they were there.”
    ― Paulo Coelho, The Fifth Mountain

  2. It’s all a learning process and it never stops.

  3. secular brotherhoods of scribes.

  4. book about the chess of love “, created by

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